With Lane Kiffin slated to become the next head coach for at least four (five?) different schools next season, it seems only right that he embrace such a rare opportunity. Namely, the hat selection commitment ceremony! À la, every single five star recruit in the past decade.
Scene: Lane sits behind a velvet-draped table lined with team visors.
- Ole Miss visor, clean white, prominent “Sip” logo, sits front and center.
- Florida visor sits to the viewer’s right, with the classic F logo, but sparkly somehow (Layla’s touch?).
- LSU visor sits to the left, a little askew. Close observers can tell the logo is just a hastily applied sticker.
- Penn State and Arkansas visors decorate the outside but they are for balance only, everyone is sure.
Lane speaks to the crowd, but his words aren’t important. Flashes go off like paparazzi. Juice lies under the table, his wagging tail slipping past the velvet drapes in a drowsy cadence. Lane reaches for LSU, but of course it’s a ploy. He moves to Florida, grabs the back with his fingers, moves the visor, but ultimately lets go. People in the back sigh, or flinch, or draw in their breath, depending on their particular parlay. Lane’s hand moves towards Ole Miss, and the collective room draws in its breath as one…but Lane’s hand dips below the table! He pulls out a hidden visor from underneath, placing it on his head in one smooth motion.
Unsure why he had even been invited, the rep from the University of Maine’s eyes get huge for a brief second.
“ME,” says the hat. And the coach. “I choose me!” His family moves in smiling, with hugs and congratulations, Juice lets out a hearty bark, and in the back of the room Jimmy Sexton slips out, phone in hand, Bluetooth earbud buzzing.
The room pauses for a beat, because no one has any clue what this means, but then someone starts to clap and soon the room erupts in applause.
One state away, the governor of Louisiana slams down his “Huey Long? Who dat?” mug, spilling coffee across the massive carved-oak desk. Fuming, he turns to a silent figure standing in the shadows behind him. “That seals it. Call Orgeron”
