Rivalries are big news these days with the SEC defining “permanent” opponents as part of the new nine-game schedule…although trust me, that PERMANENT MARKER you accidentally picked up and used on your white board will be there long, long after the SEC has shifted “PERMANENT” opponents around again. True rivalries, however, have the power to survive even the most insane corporate money-grabs. Even in the face of OUTRIGHT CANCELLATION, they nevertheless simmer and fester and lay in wait for that future day when a lucky bowl pairing “rekindles” a rivalry, similar to how a stray spark “rekindles” a gas leak explosion (see MIZZOU-KANSAS).
But rivalries are cool and so everybody wants one, and everybody wants theirs to be the best, and so you end up with a lot of pretenders. As an example, Georgia and Alabama have had a series of epic, high-stakes battles here in the 21st century, two schools that share a border, share coaching lineages, battle in recruiting, and generally give the appearance of being perfect rivalry candidates. BUT THEY ARE NOT RIVALS. Some UGA fans think they are, and some other fans might fall into the narrative trap laid by the ESPN story-line creation department (now 26% AI powered!), but trust me on this one, Georgia and Bama are not rivals.
It has nothing to do with the one-sidedness of the recent epic battles, either. They simply DO NOT HATE EACH OTHER ENOUGH. Alabama and Georgia have way too much in common. Neither one likes Auburn. Neither one likes Florida. Bama actually calls out Georgia Tech in their FIGHT SONG (“send the Yellow Jackets to a WATERY GRAVE” — damn Bama lyricists, that’s cold). Some Georgia fans try to create the idea of a rivalry, again because it’s cool, by telling stupid jokes about cousins. But their hearts aren’t in it. And Bama fans truly, DO NOT CARE. Most are unaware that Dawg fans even do this. And so, while epic battles are likely to continue, RIVALRY it ain’t.
Here are some signs you have an ACTUAL rivalry:
- A random fan spends thousands of dollars to get FLOORSIDE seats at a premier World Wide Wrestling event, NOT to see megastar John Cena and friends perform incredibly dangerous and athletic stunts, but simply to hold up a sign that says “2000 days since Ohio State beat Michigan”
- After a dispute over approximately FIVE US DOLLARS, the teams REFUSE to play each other for over FORTY YEARS until the STATE LEGISLATURE gets involved and forces the issue (Iron Bowl, look it up)
- In 1996, with Atlanta hosting the Olympics, Olympic soccer field size regulations required that the beloved Ligustrum sinense hedges in Athens be temporarily removed. Botanical-economical necessity further required them to be temporarily housed in–wait for it—Florida! (the correct response for a Dawg fan is GASP!!). But due to the laws of TRUE rivalry, said nursery was REQUIRED to import and use only native Georgia soil (Dawg fan: ok, big SIGHHHH, that’s okay, I guess)
- All city government vehicles in College Station are required to install a device that ANALYZES chemical composition and REJECTS outright any gasoline products produced from the wells or refineries of known Texas boosters (sadly, not true but this would be AWESOME)
And yes, it is perfectly possible to have multiple true rivalries. Georgia is 100% rivals with BOTH Florida and Georgia Tech; Bama has both Auburn and Tennessee. THREE rivalries MIGHT even be possible, but unlikely since I can’t think of any teams that have three, but certainly beyond three I suspect the hate grows too thin. Which is also why some teams have trouble defining their true rivalries.
LSU…who ya got? It’s not Bama, you know this in your heart; you don’t even hate Saban anymore really. Don’t tell me Ole Miss; that MIGHT be a party rivalry but it ain’t a football one. I think maybe LSU fans are TOO DAMN HAPPY to truly hate anyone. You try hating somebody, anybody, after a day of food and drinks at an LSU tailgate! So take pride in that, LSU fans, and stop teaching your kids to blow trumpets in people’s faces in an attempt to make other teams hate you (*not made up!).
LSU fans who disagree and believe they DO have a true rivalry with (insert team name here), please submit your completed 1099 EZ Rivalry Verification Form, in triplicate, to the Rivalry Confirmation Task Force. They will contact you exactly 365 days after your submission date, and if you can still remember the name of the team you submitted, congratulations, your new rivalry will be confirmed.