…Recently…
1-800-Pray-Now: “Hello, Jesus Hotline, how may I help you?”
College Football Coach, somewhere in the South: “Hi, uh, is this really Jesus?”
Jesus: “Yes, this is Jesus. What’s troubling you, my child?”
Coach: “I’m just not sure how I can be sure I’m talking to the ACTUAL Jesus, when there are so many other people calling the Hotline at the same time. What if You’re just, like, an angel or something pretending to be Jesus?”
Jesus: “I hear all prayers; I am the great I am. It’s a cool trick actually, just need a couple billion quantum bits and some entangled muons…”
Coach: “What?”
Jesus: “Nevermind. I may be all powerful, but I do tend to ramble. I am Jesus, I promise. What’s on your mind? I already know, of course. But I made you so that you have to ask, and can make up your own mind, rather than just knowing or being given the answer. Cool right? An excellent trick by Me, frankly! It allows the future to be written according to My plan but also gives you complete freedom of will.”
Coach: “Yeah, uhh, I think I got the wrong number…”
Gabriel’s voice, in the background, breaking in: “Boss Man! Remember, You Proclaimed Your Holy Clarity, after that whole middle ages misunderstanding…”
Jesus: (aside to Gabriel: “You’re right, you’re right”) To the coach: “You need help with a decision, then?”
Coach: “Uh, yeah, that’s right. How’d You know? Oh right, everybody knows at this point. So, like, what should I do?”
Jesus: “Search your heart, it knows what you want.”
Gabriel: <clears throat with a pointed look>
Coach: “You’re right, I DO know, but I feel bad about it. Money is the root of all evil and all that.”
Jesus: “It’s actually the PURSUIT of money that is the root of all evil. And don’t forget that it’ll be easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to go to heaven! That’s literal, by the way. But it’s not the money that’s troubling you, My lost sheep.”
Coach: “No, You’re right– which I guess goes without saying, ha! Truth is, I’m getting PAID either way, hel– I mean, heck yeah. But the opportunity to do something GREAT!”
Jesus: “Like a guaranteed CFP playoff berth AT HOME with a fan base that would build a golden statue of you in the town square–and I don’t even SMITE people for that behavior anymore? Versus a job in a swamp that, really, was just supposed to be a nice hangout for alligators?”
Coach: “No, no, I’m not going to Florida…”
Jesus: “I know, child. I’m not talking about Gainesville. Gainesville was intended for habitation by rednecks and to birth Tom Petty so he could write and sing Angel Dream.”
Gabriel: “Great song.”
Jesus: “So good.”
Coach: “Umm…ok…so You’re saying I SHOULDN’T leave? I’m confused.”
Jesus: “Listen closely my child. You made your decision long before you picked up the almighty prayer phone to talk to the Creator of the Universe. By making this decision, you will bring joy to the hearts of many, hate to the hearts of many others, and I will win the office pool, yet again, for the billionth time. I do not root for one team against another team, nor one outcome versus another outcome, nor do I use My infinite power to do ANYTHING about those choices. I ALREADY used My infinite power to give you FREE WILL to make your OWN choices, and still have the combined outcome of each and every one of those tiny decisions result in the fulfillment of My Plan. Which is a bit like going for 4th and 12 in your own territory in the 2nd quarter, not gonna lie. So feel comforted that, no matter what happens, you are in My Grace and have My Love.”
Coach: (talking to someone in the room with him) “He says take the job! And something about quantum bits? I don’t know, see if there’s a recruit by that name or something.” (back on the phone) “Thanks Jesus, really appreciate You listening. Can I drop Your name when I announce it?”
Jesus: (to Gabriel) “Is it the ears? Did I design them wrong?” (back on the phone) “Go in Peace, My son. And please feel free to call Me anytime.”
…9 months from now…
Reporter: “I’m here with the freshman phemon for LSU who just scored SIX touchdowns in a rout over Youngstown State. What do you attribute your success to, Kwantem?”
Kwantem Bitz: “First and foremost I’d like to thank my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ…”
Gabriel, watching in heaven on the most awesome bigscreen TV in existence: “Really, Boss?”
Jesus: “So what?! So I swapped a couple of electron spin states during the early Big Bang. I did the same thing to make dinosaurs, nobody complained about that…”
