An Essay Repudiating and Invalidating the Usage of the Term “Natty” in Reference to College Football National Championships in All Serious, Non-Serious, and Random Internet Conversations

Idiot Prognosticator, BSEE, MBA, et al.

The author(s), which is actually just one person, will show the utter debasement required for an individual to use the term “natty”, heretofore and thenceforward referred to as that term, because using the term itself or capitalizing it gives it way much more importance than it deserves, and in fact I wouldn’t even publish this article if I didn’t need tenure.

Statistical linguistic studies have proven that human beings greatly tend towards the shortening of words and phrases over time, both in the absolute length of the word as typed or written, and in the time and physiological effort required to express the spoken word or phrase verbally. TL/DR: Exactly.

So what’s wrong with that term? After all, the phrase “National Championship” is seven-seventeenths of a haiku all by itself. In fact, I just realized I can be a published poet! Here’s a haiku:

And another haiku:

But back to my point! I get it, saying the whole phrase “National Championship” takes a while. I just timed myself on the iPhone stopwatch (which is admissible evidence in both a court of law and FDA regulatory submissions, by the way) and it took me OVER ONE SECOND to say the phrase “National Championship”. Now, I’ll time myself saying that ugly term (once! I can’t afford too many more sins, honestly). Wow, less than 0.3 seconds. And typing the whole long phrase –N-a-t-i-o-n-a-l C-h-a-m-p-i-o-n-s-h-i-p god my fingers are exhausted — takes forever too. We’ve only go so many seconds on this earth, people! So WHY should we go ahead and say, type, and even think the whole entire word instead of its nastier, shorter cousin?

One word! The word is….I can’t think of the word right now. But it means having integrity, having pride in yourself, acting respectfully, being noble, not hating puppies and children, all the good stuff. You know the word I’m talking about! You want to be that good word, be the epitome of that word to your kids and to the world? Never, ever, for the love of the forward pass, never use the term.

An example of the correct way to speak, one that will take you far in your career and might make you Time’s Person of the Year:

Hey hon, going to Wally. Want booze? Beast or Natty Lite? Yeah, 3:30 game. Herbie probably, we’ll just mute it. Dawgs are plus two at home. I know! Bama may not win the National Championship but they’re still Kirby’s daddy.

Note the acceptable use of the word, in reference to beer of course, which uniquely distinguishes the word from the term. Feel me now? See how important it is to use the full phrase? No? Why not, are you a non-native football speaker? Fine, here’s the translation – just pledge to never talk like this, ever, because only sociopaths, hate-mongers, and FBI agents trying to infiltrate Reddit forums would talk like this.

Hello my darling wife! I am going on a shopping trip to the Super Wal-Mart. Would you like me to purchase a case of inexpensive beer? Would you prefer the Milwaukee’s Best brand of beer, or the National Light brand? The television broadcast of today’s football contest starts at 3:30 pm eastern time, but the actual kick off will occur at 3:45 so that the broadcast network can show us advertising to help them pay the Southeastern Conference the billions of US dollars they promised them. The color analyst for the broadcast will likely be Kirk Herbstreit, which will require us to use the remote control button that silences the audio. The University of Georgia Bulldogs are favored to win the game by 2 points or more according to the consensus of various gambling interests, which is an interesting point spread because the game is at Sanford Stadium, on the University of Georgia campus, and the typical advantage for being the home team is three points, which means Las Vegas believes the University of Alabama Crimson Tide would win on a neutral field. The University of Alabama football team may not win the natty, but they’re still Kirby’s daddy.