It’s time for some Real Talk about the job of college football coach, and which schools can lay claim to being the “best” job. Now, while watching the buyout madness is a great pastime for fans of schools who aren’t changing coaches (RIGHT NOW…!), the endless bickering between fan bases and sports media types brings out the worst of the arrogance and name-calling. Plus, it dredges up so many uncomfortable truths about the so-called “business” of football and the incredible idiocy of EVERY SINGLE GROWN ADULT INVOLVED. I am excluding players, because although adults, they are (generally) the most intelligent and practical actors when coaching changes happen. Which is saying something, because the best word to describe players, generally, is “boneheads”. Eighteen to twenty-something year old males, ’nuff said.
But coaching jobs is what we are here about today, and as you might have guessed, my “take” on this (read: my incontrovertible truthbomb on this) is a bit different from the consensus. Namely: being a college football coach ANYWHERE is probably the most GODAWFUL JOB IN EXISTENCE.
“But the money!” you say. “I’d do a terrible job coaching at Auburn for HALF of what they’re giving to Hugh Freeze!”
Yes, haha, very funny, very original. NO YOU WOULD NOT. Your subconscious knows this already. Listen, how hard is coaching football Xs and Os, really? “Offensive Genius”. “Chess Match”. “Brilliant playcall”. Come on now. You could 100% do it. So why haven’t you? Why hasn’t your neighbor who just got laid off, or your friend at work who can quote the score of every Packers game for the past 50 years?
Because it SUX. Hugh Freeze (just to pick on the man when he’s down, as is custom in college football), Hugh Freeze got fired from his EARLIER job because he was using UNIVERSITY PHONES to ARRANGE ESCORTS for COLLEGE-AGE FOOTBALL PLAYERS. College-age football players, as a general rule, do NOT need help with their “game”. WHY WOULD HE DO THIS? There’s idiot, and then there’s THAT behavior. Which by the way is also morally reprehensible. And so what happened do this ethically bankrupt moron? He got a new job! Coaching football! At one of the most conservative Christian universities in the COUNTRY! After which, he got an even NEWER job at a powerhouse SEC school, with a multi-million dollar buyout — a buyout he promptly EARNED by sucking at his job in a wholly new and interesting way. THIS ALL MAKES NO SENSE!
Except that of course it make sense, ONCE YOU ACCEPT MY PREMISE. Coaching college football is horrible. Head coach in particular. Which is why there are such an incredibly small number of men who do it, and they keep getting recycled into new jobs until they age out, bail out, or fail out (which is, as noted, really tough). And most of them, if they go do something else for a few years, the itch comes back and they wanna give coaching another whirl.
Now I’m not going to try to explain why these men do this to themselves. They claim molding young men, being part of a team, etc. and I’m sure that’s all true –BUT there are other jobs where you can get that. It HAS to be more. Some sort of pathological need for an ego trip, who knows. Whatever it is, it’s clearly a very RARE condition or else we’d all be out there inventing complicated terminology to tell a kid they should run five yards downfield as fast as they can, turn around, and CATCH THE FREAKING BALL. Which they won’t do, because some OTHER kid misunderstood “Trips Right Y Offset Sailor Moon All Go!” and threw the ball at the ground.
And so…GIVEN that coaching college football is an absolute disaster of a job…”Mommas, don’t let your babies grow up to be coaches…they’ll lose games at home, and call hookers on phones”….umm, given that, which school is the BEST PLACE to coach? Clearly IT DOESN’T MATTER because it’s going to be a pitiable existence. But let’s say you are a coach and you are FORCED to choose. Eenie meenie not an option. Ok, you say, let’s research!
- Ooh so yeah, some of these Big Ten towns, it gets COLD. Next…
- How bout the South…Athens has only HOW MANY people? Yikes.
- Ok LSU! Yeah, New Orl…oh, right, Red Stick. Maybe…
- Florida! the beaches, the old people, “Florida man”. Hmm.
- What about the West Coast! San Diego is nice! What, all the California teams are in LA? Ugh!
- LA could be cool. I mean, Venice Beach looks nice OH MY GOD THAT MAN IS BLEEDING. Let’s get out of here…
- Oregon! Trees, and umm, lots of free shoes, I guess?
Screw this! Geography doesn’t matter, let’s do QUALITY OF THE PROGRAM.
/Researches state of college football financial situation
/Researches who has the most money
/Researches the REPUTATION of the individuals who have this money
/Cries for a minute
Ok, so geography, there are massive tradeoffs with any choice. Reputation, that’s no good, every program will be a flaming tire fire soon, if it’s not already, regardless. Rosters! I can pick a place that has quality talent to start with, and you said WHAT, I only have FIVE DAYS to convince players to stay after I’m hired? Good lord, this is like one of those nightmares you can’t wake up from.
And so, WHAT pray tell is the PREMIER place to coach college football? I’ll tell you! It’s warm. Feels like home. Stable. Roster feels like family. That’s right, it’s leather, or maybe fake leather, or maybe chenille, I don’t know. But it reclines and it rhymes with FARM BEAR. You genius, you.
P.S. If your name is “Lane Kiffin,” you should ignore every word of this article. EVERY WORD. STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE. DON’T ANSWER THAT PHONE CALL! JIMMY IS NOT YOUR FRIEND LANE! YOU BETTER LISTEN TO ME! DON’T PICK UP! ALMOST TIME FOR HOT YOGA…that’s right. Good. And some pickleball later, good idea. Good.
