Let’s get one thing clear: nobody cares about your nail polish when you’re winning football games. Fans love and admire Joe Namath for his pantyhose and fur coat. Landon Dickerson replaced the bumper on his truck with a big ole’ block of wood, and Alabama fans ate it up. The original greatest-of-all-time coach wore a plaid fedora hat, which we somehow decided was houndstooth, and we loved him for it. The modern greatest-of-all-time coach wore a straw hat and talked to Coke bottles, and grown men have tattoos celebrating these choices.
You want to stand outside in the heat of the summer wearing a black, short-sleeve, thin fabric hoodie on the sidelines? You do you! Just beat Vanderbilt.
Alabama fans, really, DO NOT CARE about:
- Wearing nail polish
- Carrying stuffed animals
- Dating (and marrying!) an Auburn grad – although I might not try this one till after your first national championship
- Cussing
- Not cussing
- “Winning” the press conference
- Playing music at practice
Alabama fans want you to win. Period, end of story. Win every game coaching in a pink bunny suit while a mariachi band follows you around playing Creed songs and Alabama fans will write books about the Insane Bunny Intimidation Factor and wonder aloud on message boards if the coaching staff has a tendency to throw the ball too much when the band plays “With Arms Wide Open”.
The reason Alabama fans start talking about your style and your personal choices, stuff they really, truly don’t care about deep in their hearts, is because they don’t understand how you lose. How do you lose that game? I’m not talking Xs and Os, because Alabama fans understand football. They know WHY you lost. They just don’t understand HOW you lost. And so they start looking for REASONS.
Not surprisingly, winning changes this calculus completely. Imagine these scenarios.
Clueless Auburn fan: Is that a stuffed animal?
Alabama fan giddy after boatracing Kirby Dumb in Athens: Dude, his little baby sister gave him that! He’s not only the greatest receiver in all of college football, he’s the best big brother a little girl could ever have!
Style-conscious Ole Miss fan (I know, redundant): A short sleeve hoodie? In BLACK?
Alabama fan recalling a brilliant playcall that sunk the LSU Tigers (again!): Hellooo, haven’t you ever heard of a CAPSULE wardrobe? Short sleeves cause it’s hot, hood to protect your head from the sun, black is very slimming and it goes with EVERYTHING.
Georgia fan (it’s self-insulting): Are those guys doing a TikTok in the LOCKER ROOM?
Alabama fan puffing on a cigar watching the Vols file out in shame down 50-3 in the third quarter: Haven’t you ever heard of TEAM CAMARADERIE? They got that loose, confident SWAGGER cause they beat you in football AND they dance better than you!
I point all of this out, only as a service to Tide Nation: Let us not, in our haste and in our agony, lose sight of the true goal. We don’t care where they’re born, what they wear, how they vote, the music they like, whether or not they go to church, or if their favorite drink is jasmine boba tea. We may, in fact, be the most egalitarian fanbase in the history of sports…as long as you win. Roll Tide.
